Frederickstopia, VA

Frederickstopia passes DOSA

2011-10-03T11:48:00.002-04:00

Frederickstopia became the first city to pass the bi-partisan Defense of Shopping Act. The act prohibits gay couples from shopping at downtown retail locations. Supporters of the law say that DOSA will protect the long standing tradition of heterosexual shopping, a value that was held by our forefathers.

A local right-wing blowhard said, "It's about time we've found a way to keep the queers out of our stores. I don't want to take my kids shopping only to walk past the candle aisle and have them see a bunch of homos playing kissy face."

A few businesses feel that the law will significantly hurt their income. Pinkadilly Tea, Kybecca Wine Shop, and A Place in Time are all concerned that they will see a sudden drop in sales. A few shops such as The Civil War Store and the Olde Towne Tobacconist are not worried about seeing an effect.

Regardless of the economical impact, many feel the law will have an overall positive influence. Evidence of the support of DOSA could be found on signs that supporters held outside city hall. They carried hand-written slogans such as "You can't put a price on our shopping values," "Shop the way God intindid," and "Git-R-Done."

2nd annual FIFF is bigger and pretentiouser

2009-09-02T23:18:00.004-04:00

The 2nd annual Frederickstopia Independent Film Festival took place this past weekend. As promised, this year's event was even larger and more pretentious than the year before. "We improved in a lot of ways," says FIFF Founding & Creative Director, Ryan Poe, "Last year, only my name was mentioned in the paper, but this year they included a picture with me in it. I'm hoping that next year they can use a photo of just me - maybe a headshot."

When asked what role a "Founding Director" plays in a film festival, Poe responded, "Basically I find stuff out... about film festivals."

"Oh, and I go by Timothy Ryan Poe now," Ryan Poe added.

Poe is not alone in preparing for the film festival, Frederickstopia Anthenium director Paul Lewis also helps find stuff out. "It's Athenaeum," Lewis can often be heard saying in the days leading up to the festival.

"We had a really great selection of films this year," Lewis added, "there were some that even I didn't understand."

When area residents were asked for initial impressions of the event, most had no idea what we were talking about.

Alley vandalized

2009-01-17T13:19:00.001-05:00

The alley that stretches between George and Hanover Streets at the 800 block of Caroline Street was recently vandalized. Known as "Jail Alley", this little gem was the longtime home of priceless urban art until recently when it was destroyed by an unknown culprit. Images that had long been a staple in the Frederickstopia urban art scene were covered in an obscene color of yellowish-green paint.

"The color is offensive," said local urban artist Gabe Pons, "Clearly no thought was put into its application."

"I kind of like it the way it was," said an average guy, "I've never really been into the subversive counter-culture but I thought it looked pretty cool. And it certainly wasn't hurting anything."

"I think it was a good move," said city manager Phil Rodenberg, "I didn't see anything that was overtly offensive but I'm sure there must have been something there that was bad."

Investigations into the matter are still pending but authorities believe it was a group of local facists.

City begins to change

2009-01-11T12:55:00.001-05:00

Major changes are beginning to emerge as Barack Obama prepares to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States.

"Our $1.2 million budget shortfall has already disappeared," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "I'm sure that everything is going to have a trickle-down effect, so I can't wait to see the final numbers."

"The Frederickstopia Police Department has converted its entire fleet of patrol cars to hybrid vehicles," said FPD spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe.

"Our budget shortfall has also been resolved," said city schools Superintendent Dr. David Melton, "we are going to start paying teachers a living wage and our dropout rate has decreased dramatically."

The good news doesn't end there though. Analysts predict that the unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest point in decades and homelessness is all but non-existent. In addition, thousands of "clean energy" jobs are being created to prepare for the influx of troops who will be returning from Iraq.

"It's a great time to be an American," commented Bill Howell shortly after resigning from his position as House Speaker.

AutoChalk kills 3, injures 2

2009-01-05T15:40:00.002-05:00

The Frederickstopia AutoChalk vehicle drove onto a Caroline Street sidewalk this past Saturday, striking 5 people. Two people died instantly and a third passed away some hours later in the hospital due to injuries sustained from the accident. The other two victims are expected to recover from minor injuries.

The AutoChalk vehicle, purchased by the Frederickstopia Police Department in July of 2007, is used to electronically monitor parking violations. The vehicle, normally operated by Parking Enforcement Officer Tod Runyon, was placed on auto-pilot shortly before striking the pedestrians.

"Apparently, the auto-pilot feature was not yet operational," said Runyon, "The manufacturer said something about a firmware upgrade that isn't available yet."

This isn't the first time the AutoChalk system has been the center of controversy. The vehicle made headlines in January of 2008 when it issued itself a ticket for double-parking outside of Hyperion. Some felt it was an honorable act while others argued that it was a mere publicity stunt.

According to police spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe, the vehicle, affectionately called RoboCop around the office, will be put on paid leave while the incident is investigated.

Artists to participate in First Night, says PR representative

2008-12-27T14:00:00.002-05:00

"Artists will play a prominent role in this year's First Night," a representative of Spangler, Erkert & Associates, a PR firm used by the city, recently explained, "the city, First Night Frederickstopia, and First Night International have a deep respect for local artists and plan to make them and integral part of this year's celebrations."

First Night Frederickstopia, a division of First Night International, is the annual, city-sponsored New Year's Eve celebration located in downtown Frederickstopia. The goal of the event is to "broaden and deepen our city's appreciation of the visual and performing arts." Started in 1994 and made popular by local artist Ken Crampton's giant pear, a small detail inadvertently left off of the First Night Frederickstopia website, the annual festivities have been a popular alternative to enjoyable New Year celebrations for the past 15 years.

"This year we plan to have a major emphasis on the artists and their work," commented Sarah Bryne, special-events and marketing coordinator for the city's Parks and Recreation Department. She could not provide specific examples of plans to emphasize the arts but she said there would definitely be "lots of artsy things and stuff."

"I have no intention of participating," said Ken Crampton, who will be hosting his own New Year's Eve celebration at his Eyeclopes Studio. Ken was hanging out with a number of artists and musicians who also had other plans for New Year's Eve.

"I never claimed that every single artist in Frederickstopia was going to be present," Sarah Bryne defended, "All I can tell you is that there is going to be a lot of artists and arts and arty-type things because that's what artists like and we like to support artists."

Last registered racist in the city dies at 86

2008-12-20T17:56:00.003-05:00

Beginning in the 1920's, racist residents of Frederickstopia were required to register with the National Racism and Prejudice Registry. The NRPR was a database of willing registrants as well as convicted hate crime offenders. This Friday, the last living resident on the NRPR list passed away peacefully in his home at the age of 86.

The racist, who will remain nameless due to the sensitive nature of this story, was affectionately known for his insensitive remarks. "This neighborhood's gonna go to hell with all them people movin' in here," he was often heard grumbling from his front porch on Charles St.

"He may have been prejudiced, but he was a person," said Rev. Lawrence Davies, pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (Old Site), "Who are we to judge? Besides, only God can judge him now."

"Reverend Davies said that?" asked Rev. Anthony Parrish, senior pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (New Site), "Well, we believe that he was more than just a person. He was a Child of God and a child loved by God."

"Well, our website is better," responded Rev. Davies, "Seriosly, go online and check it out. You'll see what I mean."

The deceased had a general dislike of Blacks, but in his later years he extended his discrimination toward Hispanics as well. "At first it seemed like maybe he was going to soften up and be accepting of the influx of Hispanic residents," remembers Marta Fuentes of the local organization, Healthy Families, "but then he started treating Hispanics with just as much disrespect as he did other nationalities. His exclusion was truly all inclusive."

The NRPR still has thousands of names on its list, but the Frederickstopia database is now empty. The decision to disband the local NRPR steering committee has not yet been made official.

DRMI suggests spending less this season

2008-12-15T17:15:00.002-05:00

In the midst of financial turmoil and an uncertain economic future, Frederickstopia's Downtown Retail Marketing Inc. suggests that holiday shoppers consider spending less this year. "With the commercialization of Christmas and the current financial situation, it just seemed like the right thing to do," said DRMI president, Benjamin Walker, "Honestly, it would feel immoral for us to push people to spend money that they don't have at a time like this."

DRMI's "Give the gift of love" campaign is a sharp contrast to Wal-Mart's 2008 Holiday Slogan; "Save the economy. Buy more sh*t." "Spending more this holiday season has a win-win effect," said a Wal-Mart spokesperson, "not only will it get the economy moving again, people will have new stuff to comfort them and make them feel good about themselves."

"Maybe the problem runs deeper than consumer spending. Maybe our capitalist system is unsustainable," one shopper, who wished to remain anonymous, said sarcastically, "Just kidding, I'll probably do my Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart."

"I just think that consumer's money could be put to better use," Walker explained, "Maybe paying down a credit card would have a more lasting benefit than a 'Virginia is for lover's' t-shirt. Besides, I think the ones we are close to will understand that our love for each other is more important than any gift."

"That last part was a joke," he added.

City places ban on county residents

2008-12-07T13:17:00.003-05:00

The city of Frederickstopia placed a ban on residents of neighboring counties, Spotsyltucky and Staffordton, over the weekend. Critics cite the recent Christmas parade as one of the potential reasons for the council's decision.

"The city has not made it clear why they have placed the ban," said police spokeswoman Natatia Bledsoe, "but I'm sure the mess they made at the parade didn't help." Over 1,200 ice cream sandwich wrappers were found strewn about the city streets after Saturday's parade. A majority of which were tossed aside with a "county disregard" as one onlooker put it.

"We have been instructed to strictly enforce the new restrictions," continued Bledsoe, "and we intend to do so." The Frederickstopia PD will set up checkpoints along entrances to the city and conduct random searches in which patrons of public facilities will be asked to produce proof of residency.

"It seems counterproductive," commented Spotsyltucky Supervisor Hap Connors when told of the news, "We've worked so hard to strengthen the relationship between the city and the county and now it all seems like a waste. At least we have our own Target now... and Starbucks... and Home Depot."

"I don't know if a few security checkpoints are going to cut it," said a Rebublican, "I think we need to have a serious conversation about building a really tall fence around the city."

"Oh, and our own Chick-fil-A," Hap added.

Christmas parade indentical to past seven, analysts predict

2008-11-29T10:58:00.000-05:00

The city hired an independent consultant to analyze the predicted impact of this years Jaycees Christmas Parade. The study cost the city $114,000 and took about 47 minutes to complete. "We felt like it was in the best interest of the city and its citizens to determine if this years parade was worth attending," said Mayor of Frederickstopia, Tom Tomzak.

"The parade will essentially be exactly the same as it is every year," stated the report issued by the consultant. "...marching bands, amateur floats, and at the end... whoa, big surprise... Santa Claus," the report went on to say. When asked for more information, the consultant said it would have to bill for additional time.

"What the report fails to mention," explains Jessica Cegelske, Vice President of Community Development for the Frederickstopia Jaycees, "is that this year's parade will be significantly different from previous years. Staffordton County High School Marching Band has new uniforms, the fire department is using Engine No. 5 instead of Engine No. 3, and the baton twirlers have been practicing extra, extra hard this year."

A local high school student in the marching band confirmed Cegelske's report, "I think we are playing 'Deck the Halls' instead of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' this year."

Most residents admit that regardless of whether or not the parade is the same, they will most likely come out early, drive around for forty-five minutes trying to find a parking spot, vie for a viewing location near the street, sit in the freezing cold through hours of mind-numbing holiday marketing, fight their way back to their cars, sit in stop-and-go traffic, and contemplate their shallow existence.

MWC renting out dorm rooms for inauguration

2008-11-23T12:28:00.003-05:00

Mary Washington College will rent its dormitory facilities to out-of-town visitors wishing to find accommodations during the presidential inauguration. The rooms will be available January 19-21 at a cost of $3,000 per room. "It's a great way for the college to bring in some extra cash and at the same time show off our beautiful campus," said MWC spokesperson Teresa Mannix. When asked where the students, who return to school on January 11, will stay, she responded, "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something."

Those who can afford the steep price tag will be provided with a furnished dorm room, a three-day meal pass for the college cafeteria, and train tickets to and from DC on the day of the innauguration. "Maybe they could stay with the students," Mannix added after some more thought, "You know, like we could bring in an extra bunk or something."

Most of the students interviewed for this article said they don't care. When asked for clarification, most students responded with, "about anything really." One student did say that they would welcome the idea of additional guests in their room "as long as they are old enough to buy beer."

"Or what about this," added Mannix, "the students go stay in the houses of the people staying in their dorms. Kinda like a room-swap thing. We might even be able to get a reality show deal out of this." "Not good," she responded when asked about the economic state of the college, "not good."

Downtown art community stops whining

2008-11-17T19:12:00.001-05:00

In an unexpected press release issued yesterday evening, the downtown Frederickstopia art community has announced that it has decided to stop whining. When asked, "About what?" Debby Klein, of the former Frederickstopia Fine Arts Commission, responded, "Oh, pretty much everything. Gallery conditions, poor sales, lack of funding, being ignored by the city... you name it, we're going to stop whining about it."

"I think it's great," said Brandon Newton, a local painter, "it means that as artists we can focus on other things... like our art." Not everyone is so optimistic. "Brandon Newton? He's just a hot, young kid," responded Bev Bley, one of the older artists in the area, "Wait until he's been around as long as I have. Then he'll see that there is plenty to whine about."

"I think this is a good move for everyone," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "we had no intention of ever giving in to any of their whining and quite frankly I was starting to get a little sick of it."

"It's just not fair," commented Benjamin Walker, president of Downtown Retail Marketing Inc., "we wanted to be the ones to issue a statement like this." When asked why they couldn't issue a similar statement, Walker pounded his fists on the floor and repeated, "It's just not fair."

Tim's Mart exposed as drug-trafficking front

2008-11-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

Downtown purveyor of 80's fashion, Tim's Mart, was subjected to a recent drug bust during a sting operation performed by the Frederickstopia Police Department. Police confiscated 1200 pounds of snow, a black garbage bag full of hash, and a crapload of illegal firearms. "They had some pretty cool guns," responded police spokeswoman Natatia Bledsoe when asked for comments. "Not really," she said when asked if she had further comments.

The bust doesn't come as a surprise to most city residents. "I always just assumed everyone in town knew that it was a front for drugs and weapons," said city resident Jym Horak, "I mean wasn't it obvious." "Jym should understand that Frederickstopia is a city and not a town," responded mayor Tom Tomzak.

The city has decided to turn the building over to Frederickstopia All Ages, a local music project for students. "This is huge," said FAA project leader Adam Bray, "this is bigger than that time Obama came to town." "Again, Adam needs to understand that Frederickstopia is a city and not a town," Tomzak responded.

Not everyone is happy with the city's decision though. "Where will I go to get a wig?" asked a very hairy Dan Finnegan, "I mean, I don't anticipate ever needing a wig, but just in case I do, I'd like to know I have that option." Other residents sharing Finnegan's opinion declined to comment.