2nd annual FIFF is bigger and pretentiouser

The 2nd annual Frederickstopia Independent Film Festival took place this past weekend. As promised, this year's event was even larger and more pretentious than the year before. "We improved in a lot of ways," says FIFF Founding & Creative Director, Ryan Poe, "Last year, only my name was mentioned in the paper, but this year they included a picture with me in it. I'm hoping that next year they can use a photo of just me - maybe a headshot."

When asked what role a "Founding Director" plays in a film festival, Poe responded, "Basically I find stuff out... about film festivals."

"Oh, and I go by Timothy Ryan Poe now," Ryan Poe added.

Poe is not alone in preparing for the film festival, Frederickstopia Anthenium director Paul Lewis also helps find stuff out. "It's Athenaeum," Lewis can often be heard saying in the days leading up to the festival.

"We had a really great selection of films this year," Lewis added, "there were some that even I didn't understand."

When area residents were asked for initial impressions of the event, most had no idea what we were talking about.

Alley vandalized

The alley that stretches between George and Hanover Streets at the 800 block of Caroline Street was recently vandalized. Known as "Jail Alley", this little gem was the longtime home of priceless urban art until recently when it was destroyed by an unknown culprit. Images that had long been a staple in the Frederickstopia urban art scene were covered in an obscene color of yellowish-green paint.

"The color is offensive," said local urban artist Gabe Pons, "Clearly no thought was put into its application."

"I kind of like it the way it was," said an average guy, "I've never really been into the subversive counter-culture but I thought it looked pretty cool. And it certainly wasn't hurting anything."

"I think it was a good move," said city manager Phil Rodenberg, "I didn't see anything that was overtly offensive but I'm sure there must have been something there that was bad."

Investigations into the matter are still pending but authorities believe it was a group of local facists.

City begins to change

Major changes are beginning to emerge as Barack Obama prepares to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States.

"Our $1.2 million budget shortfall has already disappeared," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "I'm sure that everything is going to have a trickle-down effect, so I can't wait to see the final numbers."

"The Frederickstopia Police Department has converted its entire fleet of patrol cars to hybrid vehicles," said FPD spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe.

"Our budget shortfall has also been resolved," said city schools Superintendent Dr. David Melton, "we are going to start paying teachers a living wage and our dropout rate has decreased dramatically."

The good news doesn't end there though. Analysts predict that the unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest point in decades and homelessness is all but non-existent. In addition, thousands of "clean energy" jobs are being created to prepare for the influx of troops who will be returning from Iraq.

"It's a great time to be an American," commented Bill Howell shortly after resigning from his position as House Speaker.

AutoChalk kills 3, injures 2

The Frederickstopia AutoChalk vehicle drove onto a Caroline Street sidewalk this past Saturday, striking 5 people. Two people died instantly and a third passed away some hours later in the hospital due to injuries sustained from the accident. The other two victims are expected to recover from minor injuries.

The AutoChalk vehicle, purchased by the Frederickstopia Police Department in July of 2007, is used to electronically monitor parking violations. The vehicle, normally operated by Parking Enforcement Officer Tod Runyon, was placed on auto-pilot shortly before striking the pedestrians.

"Apparently, the auto-pilot feature was not yet operational," said Runyon, "The manufacturer said something about a firmware upgrade that isn't available yet."

This isn't the first time the AutoChalk system has been the center of controversy. The vehicle made headlines in January of 2008 when it issued itself a ticket for double-parking outside of Hyperion. Some felt it was an honorable act while others argued that it was a mere publicity stunt.

According to police spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe, the vehicle, affectionately called RoboCop around the office, will be put on paid leave while the incident is investigated.