Alley vandalized

The alley that stretches between George and Hanover Streets at the 800 block of Caroline Street was recently vandalized. Known as "Jail Alley", this little gem was the longtime home of priceless urban art until recently when it was destroyed by an unknown culprit. Images that had long been a staple in the Frederickstopia urban art scene were covered in an obscene color of yellowish-green paint.

"The color is offensive," said local urban artist Gabe Pons, "Clearly no thought was put into its application."

"I kind of like it the way it was," said an average guy, "I've never really been into the subversive counter-culture but I thought it looked pretty cool. And it certainly wasn't hurting anything."

"I think it was a good move," said city manager Phil Rodenberg, "I didn't see anything that was overtly offensive but I'm sure there must have been something there that was bad."

Investigations into the matter are still pending but authorities believe it was a group of local facists.

City begins to change

Major changes are beginning to emerge as Barack Obama prepares to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States.

"Our $1.2 million budget shortfall has already disappeared," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "I'm sure that everything is going to have a trickle-down effect, so I can't wait to see the final numbers."

"The Frederickstopia Police Department has converted its entire fleet of patrol cars to hybrid vehicles," said FPD spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe.

"Our budget shortfall has also been resolved," said city schools Superintendent Dr. David Melton, "we are going to start paying teachers a living wage and our dropout rate has decreased dramatically."

The good news doesn't end there though. Analysts predict that the unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest point in decades and homelessness is all but non-existent. In addition, thousands of "clean energy" jobs are being created to prepare for the influx of troops who will be returning from Iraq.

"It's a great time to be an American," commented Bill Howell shortly after resigning from his position as House Speaker.

AutoChalk kills 3, injures 2

The Frederickstopia AutoChalk vehicle drove onto a Caroline Street sidewalk this past Saturday, striking 5 people. Two people died instantly and a third passed away some hours later in the hospital due to injuries sustained from the accident. The other two victims are expected to recover from minor injuries.

The AutoChalk vehicle, purchased by the Frederickstopia Police Department in July of 2007, is used to electronically monitor parking violations. The vehicle, normally operated by Parking Enforcement Officer Tod Runyon, was placed on auto-pilot shortly before striking the pedestrians.

"Apparently, the auto-pilot feature was not yet operational," said Runyon, "The manufacturer said something about a firmware upgrade that isn't available yet."

This isn't the first time the AutoChalk system has been the center of controversy. The vehicle made headlines in January of 2008 when it issued itself a ticket for double-parking outside of Hyperion. Some felt it was an honorable act while others argued that it was a mere publicity stunt.

According to police spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe, the vehicle, affectionately called RoboCop around the office, will be put on paid leave while the incident is investigated.

Artists to participate in First Night, says PR representative

"Artists will play a prominent role in this year's First Night," a representative of Spangler, Erkert & Associates, a PR firm used by the city, recently explained, "the city, First Night Frederickstopia, and First Night International have a deep respect for local artists and plan to make them and integral part of this year's celebrations."

First Night Frederickstopia, a division of First Night International, is the annual, city-sponsored New Year's Eve celebration located in downtown Frederickstopia. The goal of the event is to "broaden and deepen our city's appreciation of the visual and performing arts." Started in 1994 and made popular by local artist Ken Crampton's giant pear, a small detail inadvertently left off of the First Night Frederickstopia website, the annual festivities have been a popular alternative to enjoyable New Year celebrations for the past 15 years.

"This year we plan to have a major emphasis on the artists and their work," commented Sarah Bryne, special-events and marketing coordinator for the city's Parks and Recreation Department. She could not provide specific examples of plans to emphasize the arts but she said there would definitely be "lots of artsy things and stuff."

"I have no intention of participating," said Ken Crampton, who will be hosting his own New Year's Eve celebration at his Eyeclopes Studio. Ken was hanging out with a number of artists and musicians who also had other plans for New Year's Eve.

"I never claimed that every single artist in Frederickstopia was going to be present," Sarah Bryne defended, "All I can tell you is that there is going to be a lot of artists and arts and arty-type things because that's what artists like and we like to support artists."

Last registered racist in the city dies at 86

Beginning in the 1920's, racist residents of Frederickstopia were required to register with the National Racism and Prejudice Registry. The NRPR was a database of willing registrants as well as convicted hate crime offenders. This Friday, the last living resident on the NRPR list passed away peacefully in his home at the age of 86.

The racist, who will remain nameless due to the sensitive nature of this story, was affectionately known for his insensitive remarks. "This neighborhood's gonna go to hell with all them people movin' in here," he was often heard grumbling from his front porch on Charles St.

"He may have been prejudiced, but he was a person," said Rev. Lawrence Davies, pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (Old Site), "Who are we to judge? Besides, only God can judge him now."

"Reverend Davies said that?" asked Rev. Anthony Parrish, senior pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (New Site), "Well, we believe that he was more than just a person. He was a Child of God and a child loved by God."

"Well, our website is better," responded Rev. Davies, "Seriosly, go online and check it out. You'll see what I mean."

The deceased had a general dislike of Blacks, but in his later years he extended his discrimination toward Hispanics as well. "At first it seemed like maybe he was going to soften up and be accepting of the influx of Hispanic residents," remembers Marta Fuentes of the local organization, Healthy Families, "but then he started treating Hispanics with just as much disrespect as he did other nationalities. His exclusion was truly all inclusive."

The NRPR still has thousands of names on its list, but the Frederickstopia database is now empty. The decision to disband the local NRPR steering committee has not yet been made official.

DRMI suggests spending less this season

In the midst of financial turmoil and an uncertain economic future, Frederickstopia's Downtown Retail Marketing Inc. suggests that holiday shoppers consider spending less this year. "With the commercialization of Christmas and the current financial situation, it just seemed like the right thing to do," said DRMI president, Benjamin Walker, "Honestly, it would feel immoral for us to push people to spend money that they don't have at a time like this."

DRMI's "Give the gift of love" campaign is a sharp contrast to Wal-Mart's 2008 Holiday Slogan; "Save the economy. Buy more sh*t." "Spending more this holiday season has a win-win effect," said a Wal-Mart spokesperson, "not only will it get the economy moving again, people will have new stuff to comfort them and make them feel good about themselves."

"Maybe the problem runs deeper than consumer spending. Maybe our capitalist system is unsustainable," one shopper, who wished to remain anonymous, said sarcastically, "Just kidding, I'll probably do my Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart."

"I just think that consumer's money could be put to better use," Walker explained, "Maybe paying down a credit card would have a more lasting benefit than a 'Virginia is for lover's' t-shirt. Besides, I think the ones we are close to will understand that our love for each other is more important than any gift."

"That last part was a joke," he added.

City places ban on county residents

The city of Frederickstopia placed a ban on residents of neighboring counties, Spotsyltucky and Staffordton, over the weekend. Critics cite the recent Christmas parade as one of the potential reasons for the council's decision.

"The city has not made it clear why they have placed the ban," said police spokeswoman Natatia Bledsoe, "but I'm sure the mess they made at the parade didn't help." Over 1,200 ice cream sandwich wrappers were found strewn about the city streets after Saturday's parade. A majority of which were tossed aside with a "county disregard" as one onlooker put it.

"We have been instructed to strictly enforce the new restrictions," continued Bledsoe, "and we intend to do so." The Frederickstopia PD will set up checkpoints along entrances to the city and conduct random searches in which patrons of public facilities will be asked to produce proof of residency.

"It seems counterproductive," commented Spotsyltucky Supervisor Hap Connors when told of the news, "We've worked so hard to strengthen the relationship between the city and the county and now it all seems like a waste. At least we have our own Target now... and Starbucks... and Home Depot."

"I don't know if a few security checkpoints are going to cut it," said a Rebublican, "I think we need to have a serious conversation about building a really tall fence around the city."

"Oh, and our own Chick-fil-A," Hap added.