Frederickstopia passes DOSA

Frederickstopia became the first city to pass the bi-partisan Defense of Shopping Act. The act prohibits gay couples from shopping at downtown retail locations. Supporters of the law say that DOSA will protect the long standing tradition of heterosexual shopping, a value that was held by our forefathers.

A local right-wing blowhard said, "It's about time we've found a way to keep the queers out of our stores. I don't want to take my kids shopping only to walk past the candle aisle and have them see a bunch of homos playing kissy face."

A few businesses feel that the law will significantly hurt their income. Pinkadilly Tea, Kybecca Wine Shop, and A Place in Time are all concerned that they will see a sudden drop in sales. A few shops such as The Civil War Store and the Olde Towne Tobacconist are not worried about seeing an effect.

Regardless of the economical impact, many feel the law will have an overall positive influence. Evidence of the support of DOSA could be found on signs that supporters held outside city hall. They carried hand-written slogans such as "You can't put a price on our shopping values," "Shop the way God intindid," and "Git-R-Done."

2nd annual FIFF is bigger and pretentiouser

The 2nd annual Frederickstopia Independent Film Festival took place this past weekend. As promised, this year's event was even larger and more pretentious than the year before. "We improved in a lot of ways," says FIFF Founding & Creative Director, Ryan Poe, "Last year, only my name was mentioned in the paper, but this year they included a picture with me in it. I'm hoping that next year they can use a photo of just me - maybe a headshot."

When asked what role a "Founding Director" plays in a film festival, Poe responded, "Basically I find stuff out... about film festivals."

"Oh, and I go by Timothy Ryan Poe now," Ryan Poe added.

Poe is not alone in preparing for the film festival, Frederickstopia Anthenium director Paul Lewis also helps find stuff out. "It's Athenaeum," Lewis can often be heard saying in the days leading up to the festival.

"We had a really great selection of films this year," Lewis added, "there were some that even I didn't understand."

When area residents were asked for initial impressions of the event, most had no idea what we were talking about.

Alley vandalized

The alley that stretches between George and Hanover Streets at the 800 block of Caroline Street was recently vandalized. Known as "Jail Alley", this little gem was the longtime home of priceless urban art until recently when it was destroyed by an unknown culprit. Images that had long been a staple in the Frederickstopia urban art scene were covered in an obscene color of yellowish-green paint.

"The color is offensive," said local urban artist Gabe Pons, "Clearly no thought was put into its application."

"I kind of like it the way it was," said an average guy, "I've never really been into the subversive counter-culture but I thought it looked pretty cool. And it certainly wasn't hurting anything."

"I think it was a good move," said city manager Phil Rodenberg, "I didn't see anything that was overtly offensive but I'm sure there must have been something there that was bad."

Investigations into the matter are still pending but authorities believe it was a group of local facists.

City begins to change

Major changes are beginning to emerge as Barack Obama prepares to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States.

"Our $1.2 million budget shortfall has already disappeared," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "I'm sure that everything is going to have a trickle-down effect, so I can't wait to see the final numbers."

"The Frederickstopia Police Department has converted its entire fleet of patrol cars to hybrid vehicles," said FPD spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe.

"Our budget shortfall has also been resolved," said city schools Superintendent Dr. David Melton, "we are going to start paying teachers a living wage and our dropout rate has decreased dramatically."

The good news doesn't end there though. Analysts predict that the unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest point in decades and homelessness is all but non-existent. In addition, thousands of "clean energy" jobs are being created to prepare for the influx of troops who will be returning from Iraq.

"It's a great time to be an American," commented Bill Howell shortly after resigning from his position as House Speaker.

AutoChalk kills 3, injures 2

The Frederickstopia AutoChalk vehicle drove onto a Caroline Street sidewalk this past Saturday, striking 5 people. Two people died instantly and a third passed away some hours later in the hospital due to injuries sustained from the accident. The other two victims are expected to recover from minor injuries.

The AutoChalk vehicle, purchased by the Frederickstopia Police Department in July of 2007, is used to electronically monitor parking violations. The vehicle, normally operated by Parking Enforcement Officer Tod Runyon, was placed on auto-pilot shortly before striking the pedestrians.

"Apparently, the auto-pilot feature was not yet operational," said Runyon, "The manufacturer said something about a firmware upgrade that isn't available yet."

This isn't the first time the AutoChalk system has been the center of controversy. The vehicle made headlines in January of 2008 when it issued itself a ticket for double-parking outside of Hyperion. Some felt it was an honorable act while others argued that it was a mere publicity stunt.

According to police spokesperson Natatia Bledsoe, the vehicle, affectionately called RoboCop around the office, will be put on paid leave while the incident is investigated.

Artists to participate in First Night, says PR representative

"Artists will play a prominent role in this year's First Night," a representative of Spangler, Erkert & Associates, a PR firm used by the city, recently explained, "the city, First Night Frederickstopia, and First Night International have a deep respect for local artists and plan to make them and integral part of this year's celebrations."

First Night Frederickstopia, a division of First Night International, is the annual, city-sponsored New Year's Eve celebration located in downtown Frederickstopia. The goal of the event is to "broaden and deepen our city's appreciation of the visual and performing arts." Started in 1994 and made popular by local artist Ken Crampton's giant pear, a small detail inadvertently left off of the First Night Frederickstopia website, the annual festivities have been a popular alternative to enjoyable New Year celebrations for the past 15 years.

"This year we plan to have a major emphasis on the artists and their work," commented Sarah Bryne, special-events and marketing coordinator for the city's Parks and Recreation Department. She could not provide specific examples of plans to emphasize the arts but she said there would definitely be "lots of artsy things and stuff."

"I have no intention of participating," said Ken Crampton, who will be hosting his own New Year's Eve celebration at his Eyeclopes Studio. Ken was hanging out with a number of artists and musicians who also had other plans for New Year's Eve.

"I never claimed that every single artist in Frederickstopia was going to be present," Sarah Bryne defended, "All I can tell you is that there is going to be a lot of artists and arts and arty-type things because that's what artists like and we like to support artists."

Last registered racist in the city dies at 86

Beginning in the 1920's, racist residents of Frederickstopia were required to register with the National Racism and Prejudice Registry. The NRPR was a database of willing registrants as well as convicted hate crime offenders. This Friday, the last living resident on the NRPR list passed away peacefully in his home at the age of 86.

The racist, who will remain nameless due to the sensitive nature of this story, was affectionately known for his insensitive remarks. "This neighborhood's gonna go to hell with all them people movin' in here," he was often heard grumbling from his front porch on Charles St.

"He may have been prejudiced, but he was a person," said Rev. Lawrence Davies, pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (Old Site), "Who are we to judge? Besides, only God can judge him now."

"Reverend Davies said that?" asked Rev. Anthony Parrish, senior pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church (New Site), "Well, we believe that he was more than just a person. He was a Child of God and a child loved by God."

"Well, our website is better," responded Rev. Davies, "Seriosly, go online and check it out. You'll see what I mean."

The deceased had a general dislike of Blacks, but in his later years he extended his discrimination toward Hispanics as well. "At first it seemed like maybe he was going to soften up and be accepting of the influx of Hispanic residents," remembers Marta Fuentes of the local organization, Healthy Families, "but then he started treating Hispanics with just as much disrespect as he did other nationalities. His exclusion was truly all inclusive."

The NRPR still has thousands of names on its list, but the Frederickstopia database is now empty. The decision to disband the local NRPR steering committee has not yet been made official.