Christmas parade indentical to past seven, analysts predict

The city hired an independent consultant to analyze the predicted impact of this years Jaycees Christmas Parade. The study cost the city $114,000 and took about 47 minutes to complete. "We felt like it was in the best interest of the city and its citizens to determine if this years parade was worth attending," said Mayor of Frederickstopia, Tom Tomzak.

"The parade will essentially be exactly the same as it is every year," stated the report issued by the consultant. "...marching bands, amateur floats, and at the end... whoa, big surprise... Santa Claus," the report went on to say. When asked for more information, the consultant said it would have to bill for additional time.

"What the report fails to mention," explains Jessica Cegelske, Vice President of Community Development for the Frederickstopia Jaycees, "is that this year's parade will be significantly different from previous years. Staffordton County High School Marching Band has new uniforms, the fire department is using Engine No. 5 instead of Engine No. 3, and the baton twirlers have been practicing extra, extra hard this year."

A local high school student in the marching band confirmed Cegelske's report, "I think we are playing 'Deck the Halls' instead of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' this year."

Most residents admit that regardless of whether or not the parade is the same, they will most likely come out early, drive around for forty-five minutes trying to find a parking spot, vie for a viewing location near the street, sit in the freezing cold through hours of mind-numbing holiday marketing, fight their way back to their cars, sit in stop-and-go traffic, and contemplate their shallow existence.

MWC renting out dorm rooms for inauguration

Mary Washington College will rent its dormitory facilities to out-of-town visitors wishing to find accommodations during the presidential inauguration. The rooms will be available January 19-21 at a cost of $3,000 per room. "It's a great way for the college to bring in some extra cash and at the same time show off our beautiful campus," said MWC spokesperson Teresa Mannix. When asked where the students, who return to school on January 11, will stay, she responded, "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something."

Those who can afford the steep price tag will be provided with a furnished dorm room, a three-day meal pass for the college cafeteria, and train tickets to and from DC on the day of the innauguration. "Maybe they could stay with the students," Mannix added after some more thought, "You know, like we could bring in an extra bunk or something."

Most of the students interviewed for this article said they don't care. When asked for clarification, most students responded with, "about anything really." One student did say that they would welcome the idea of additional guests in their room "as long as they are old enough to buy beer."

"Or what about this," added Mannix, "the students go stay in the houses of the people staying in their dorms. Kinda like a room-swap thing. We might even be able to get a reality show deal out of this." "Not good," she responded when asked about the economic state of the college, "not good."

Downtown art community stops whining

In an unexpected press release issued yesterday evening, the downtown Frederickstopia art community has announced that it has decided to stop whining. When asked, "About what?" Debby Klein, of the former Frederickstopia Fine Arts Commission, responded, "Oh, pretty much everything. Gallery conditions, poor sales, lack of funding, being ignored by the city... you name it, we're going to stop whining about it."

"I think it's great," said Brandon Newton, a local painter, "it means that as artists we can focus on other things... like our art." Not everyone is so optimistic. "Brandon Newton? He's just a hot, young kid," responded Bev Bley, one of the older artists in the area, "Wait until he's been around as long as I have. Then he'll see that there is plenty to whine about."

"I think this is a good move for everyone," said mayor Tom Tomzak, "we had no intention of ever giving in to any of their whining and quite frankly I was starting to get a little sick of it."

"It's just not fair," commented Benjamin Walker, president of Downtown Retail Marketing Inc., "we wanted to be the ones to issue a statement like this." When asked why they couldn't issue a similar statement, Walker pounded his fists on the floor and repeated, "It's just not fair."

Tim's Mart exposed as drug-trafficking front

Downtown purveyor of 80's fashion, Tim's Mart, was subjected to a recent drug bust during a sting operation performed by the Frederickstopia Police Department. Police confiscated 1200 pounds of snow, a black garbage bag full of hash, and a crapload of illegal firearms. "They had some pretty cool guns," responded police spokeswoman Natatia Bledsoe when asked for comments. "Not really," she said when asked if she had further comments.

The bust doesn't come as a surprise to most city residents. "I always just assumed everyone in town knew that it was a front for drugs and weapons," said city resident Jym Horak, "I mean wasn't it obvious." "Jym should understand that Frederickstopia is a city and not a town," responded mayor Tom Tomzak.

The city has decided to turn the building over to Frederickstopia All Ages, a local music project for students. "This is huge," said FAA project leader Adam Bray, "this is bigger than that time Obama came to town." "Again, Adam needs to understand that Frederickstopia is a city and not a town," Tomzak responded.

Not everyone is happy with the city's decision though. "Where will I go to get a wig?" asked a very hairy Dan Finnegan, "I mean, I don't anticipate ever needing a wig, but just in case I do, I'd like to know I have that option." Other residents sharing Finnegan's opinion declined to comment.