The city hired an independent consultant to analyze the predicted impact of this years Jaycees Christmas Parade. The study cost the city $114,000 and took about 47 minutes to complete. "We felt like it was in the best interest of the city and its citizens to determine if this years parade was worth attending," said Mayor of Frederickstopia, Tom Tomzak.
"The parade will essentially be exactly the same as it is every year," stated the report issued by the consultant. "...marching bands, amateur floats, and at the end... whoa, big surprise... Santa Claus," the report went on to say. When asked for more information, the consultant said it would have to bill for additional time.
"What the report fails to mention," explains Jessica Cegelske, Vice President of Community Development for the Frederickstopia Jaycees, "is that this year's parade will be significantly different from previous years. Staffordton County High School Marching Band has new uniforms, the fire department is using Engine No. 5 instead of Engine No. 3, and the baton twirlers have been practicing extra, extra hard this year."
A local high school student in the marching band confirmed Cegelske's report, "I think we are playing 'Deck the Halls' instead of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' this year."
Most residents admit that regardless of whether or not the parade is the same, they will most likely come out early, drive around for forty-five minutes trying to find a parking spot, vie for a viewing location near the street, sit in the freezing cold through hours of mind-numbing holiday marketing, fight their way back to their cars, sit in stop-and-go traffic, and contemplate their shallow existence.
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